I Am The Best. You Are The Rest.

"PS9" (PS9)
12/22/2013 at 16:43 • Filed to: pomp and circumstance

[CAR] is the best car. [MAKER] is the best maker of cars. [REGION] is where all the best cars are made. The other cars made by other people in other regions cannot ever be as good as the cars from [REGION] are, because they are the best. Disagree, if you want to be wrong.

I am the best, so I drive cars only from [MAKER], naturally. Personally, I prefer the [CAR]. Some people get other models [MAKER] makes, but all those other cars are ever so slightly worse than [CAR]. Because I choose it. Because I am the best.

As the best, I have a heavy and dutiful responsibility. Unlike others who are not the best, my opinion actually qualifies as fact. So, when I say, "[CAR] is the best car." It's as true as "2 + 2 = 4". Many of your are very fortunate for me to have this Godlike power, for I am unwilling to abuse it by saying, "Your wife is sexually attracted to me." Or, "I know your bank account numbers." Or, "Your boss is interested in replacing you with me." I do apologize if your name is 'Tom' and you are reading this, for that last one is actually happening. Not because I willed it through the sheer force of my purely objective, reality bending opinion, but because your boss actually did take one look at me, realize that I'm the best, and decided to cut the rest (you). Again, my apologies.

Many lesser beings in the automotive reviewing world lately have been saying things like, "[MAKER] is going to have one hell of a time keeping up with the competition!" and [REGION]s offerings are starting to wane in the face of rivals." Let me reassure you. There are no rivals. There is no competition. There are cars that come from [MAKER] and others from [REGION], and there's everyone else. To say that [MAKER] has *handquote* competition*handunquote* now just because another car does some of the same things makes zero sense. They compete against [MAKER] and others from [REGION] in the same way a lit match competes with the sun in making heat and light. The same way a fleshlight competes with a real vagina. The same way Bologna competes with Filet Minot. To suggest the comparison is to invite the conclusion that none exists. This is the truth. Because I have said it. Because I am the best.

This will not change. I'm sure some misguided, subjective not-me out there is tempted to point out that history is in a constant state of flux. But this is not the case. [CAR] is the best car. [MAKER] makes the best cars. Gravity is a consequence of the curvature of space-time. These are facts that will remain true forever, because nothing ever, ever changes, ever. I submit to you - and go as far back as you want - when in the history of everything has anything changed? Never, that's when. No, put down your 'empirical evidence', as I don't subscribe to that form of nonsense. We don't need anything beyond my opinion to verify the above statements. Because they are automatically true. Because I am the best.

Alas, I must end this on a tragic note for all of you. See, since you cannot be me, you cannot be the best. Your opinion won't count as much as mine does. The one you are writing right this very moment won't ever be able to invalidate the one you've already read. Mine just matters more. Because I am the best. While you cannot be me, you can of course be like me, like countless millions of others have chosen to do. Just agree to buy cars only from [MAKER]. Or [REGION] if you just can't help but shop around. Their cars are better anyway, and you'll be better for it.

DISCUSSION (8)

Jayhawk Jake > PS9
12/22/2013 at 17:00

Unless it is stanced, then it is the worst

PRBot II > PS9
12/22/2013 at 17:00

Kinja'd!!!

Ahem... did you forget about [OTHER CAR]? I think you did.

[OTHER MAKER] was dominating the market way before [MAKER] truly started getting their act together. Just because [OTHER REGION] hasn't always had as consistently a good reputation as [REGION], doesn't mean squat. Are we stuck in [YEAR] right now? No, we aren't.

And no, I won't follow you on [SOCIAL MEDIA].

PRBot II > Jayhawk Jake
12/22/2013 at 17:06

True words.